birthday blues

My birthdays have always been bad.

For whatever reason, my birthday is usually the day the universe decides to pile misfortunes on me. This often extends to include the week leading up to my birthday. As the fateful day draws nearer, my days are littered with mishaps, both minor and major, making me increasingly grouchy till I just about want to curl up and die.

By this time, the blessed day has arrived and I begin it with a growing sense of dread as well as a complete sense of dejection and emoness. Nothing ever goes according to plan, and as the day progresses the series of unfortunate events increase in frequency and intensity. At some point during every birthday, I sit in a corner and brood.

I lose things on and around birthdays. Friends, wallets, little bits of my sanity.
So, new plan! now i get drunk on my birthdays! I know bad things can happen when I'm drunk too (perhaps they become that much more likely :P), so I do it in the safety of my home, surrounded by friends.
But no matter what I do, my birthdays are always a bit blue. (and yes, I rhymed. sowhat?)

scatter

For every one you save, there is always one lost. and until you can distance yourself enough to see the pattern in which each loss and gain is just a thread in the fabric, each loss hurts.

And you can explain everything to yourself, bit by bit, till you think it makes sense. but then an epiphany, or something as insignificant as a cancelled plan, makes everything scatter like sunshine on water. then all is chaos, it's too loud to hear yourself over.

then what do you do?

recluse

when i'm alone, i'm more sedate, more sensitive, better attuned to the million vibrant details the universe wants to show me. i like myself better that way.

late night conversation with a friend made me articulate what i'd known about myself all along. i'm not a people person.

hate

it's just beginning to dawn on me...what a detestable person i really am.
and this isn't an indulgent self-loathing exercise. believe me.
more and more people I've cared about deeply, fussed over, trusted, been proud of, criticized, loved, choose to make it clear that they hate me. I'm that something they can do without.

and it's a lot for one person to deal with.

p.s.: i have a job. boring, but it might pay well.

back

doing an average of five hours of classes four days a week, can do strange things to a person.
like making them drop their touchscreen phone into a large cup of milonda coffee.
gah.

my replacement phone has a red stripe along the edge. it's exactly the kind of phone I'd never buy.

there are about a dozen new puppies on campus, and that's more than enough to make me grin stupidly for the better part of the day. and then there are the people who complicate my life, and make it easier, all at the same time.
and the boimela haul to keep me engaged.

the first rain of the year fell this evening.
*bliss*

whirlwind

it's been a little crazy lately.
but in a good way.

after it stops raining, the air outside my window is abuzz with dragonflies.
it's my new favorite thing.
what's yours?

guilt

not guilty,
just not ready to forgive myself yet...
it's not about you,
not your fault...

just give me a moment,
some of my own time,
to catch my breath...
i've been running too long.

and childhood tiptoes out,
coffee with friends, sudden showers...
and the stillness closes in,
no, i can't see myself in the dark.

it's easier this way...

And when you see me tomorrow,
I’ll be wearing that smile
The one you love…

You’ll believe me when I say I’m fine,
You know better…
But some things are best left unsaid,

It’s easier this way…


I’ll be reassuring, and comforting,
And I promise, I’ll have all the answers,
You’ll never know
How lost I really am,

It’s easier this way…


I simplify, organize chaos,
Sort disorder into neat categories,
Don’t remind me how confused I am,
Trust me,

It’s easier this way…

change

Change is a good thing…right?
Then why is it that I’m having trouble letting go? What if I don’t want to grow up…don’t want to move on?
What if I want to stay? Just take a break, quit running for a moment…

I’m not just another face without a name…not a rebel…just me…
And I’m not sure that’s good enough.

But tomorrow’s a new day…