for those who leave

What keeps you sane, can't set you free.
At best it can help you live, ease your mind, keep you comfortable.
But it doesn't let the open road unfurl before you and let you take off.

It's only when you take that plunge, that first dive, ride, puff, swig, drag or leap of faith, that you can feel truly alive, completely free.
When your facades, diplomacy and secrecy fall away like tired props, and your mind opens up to dizzyingly new things, then you're free.

We overcomplicate, overthink, overestimate, override, overreach... but underneath it all we are just the sum total of all the things we'll never talk about.
It could be so much simpler if we could just let it.

recluse

when i'm alone, i'm more sedate, more sensitive, better attuned to the million vibrant details the universe wants to show me. i like myself better that way.

late night conversation with a friend made me articulate what i'd known about myself all along. i'm not a people person.

return

i have so much to say, that i'm at a loss. constantly. so i blog less, talk less. instead i doodle, fold all my words into paper flowers in the brightest colours.

meanwhile, there's monsoon. unpredictable and abuzz with dragonflies. so i look up before it rains, and after, and grin to myself.
the last of the red is fading from the Gulmohars, still they leave the occasional perfect crimson blossom in my path.
red is the colour of wonder.

life has settled back in its own odd ways. some things one has to leave behind.

p.s.: in a city of 4.5 million people, there's not one decent pet and stray care clinic open on sundays. people just don't give a shit.

elevated

remember the expression 'jelly legs'?
today, i discovered for myself, the literal meaning of the phrase!
though the ankle still hurts...i feel great!
good trip, it was :)

i'd like to thank 'senior-dada' for leading the way :D

weird

the other day, i had the most bizarre thing happen to me.
i was walking (yuss, i do this a lot!) along gariahat road, and rather slowly because there's always this entire mass of people who move in a particular direction along the sidewalk, and you can only walk as fast as the person in front of you, or you'll end up either pushing people or stepping on their toes!

so as i walked sleeewly, random guy walking in the opposite direction, drew up close to me, leaned over, and smelled my hair!!!

i mean, wtf!!? what is that even supposed to mean?!!!
does that at all count as eve-teasing? because he didn't really do anything to offend me, just really freaked me out!
maybe he was conducting some sort of shampoo-user survey...maybe!



p.s.: it's a free country, you can choose to be a blur if you want to. but only if you really, really want to.

War

there was a war.

but this is how all my battles go:
i scowl (while trying to think up arguments that will stump the enemy),
i say mean things (tell the person they don't deserve my love\loyalty\attention\affection\respect), i scream\stomp my feet\sob\try emo. blackmailetc.(depending on who i'm up against)
i always, ALWAYS have the last word.
and obviously, i stop talking to the person afterwards.

eventually i find myself in the same room\classroom\bus\cab\car with person in question, at which point i do the stupid-grin-i'm-NOT-sorry-but-let's-not-do-this-again routine.
always works :)

you must understand that this doesn't happen that often, so sometimes things get royally screwed up. but when things go according to the battle-plan... *yay*
:)



the warlords

my Dida taught me the art of verbal warfare.

moosic

Once in a while I get completely blown away by a song, I get so completely obsessed, that it is all I listen to!
And for a little while it’s the first song on my iPod , and I watch all the youtube videos related to it, and a short-cut to the file appears on my desktop.

Last week i was madly in love with ‘Nothing else matters’, but i've only just discovered 'How to save a life' by The Fray...
*sigh*

...

Slowly and most sneakily, the rain has taken over.


I remember you

*Thin sheets of rain, wrapped around you,
Clinging to you in diamond droplets…*

And I’ll never forget.

broken things

broken things get fixed, with just a little bit of time and glue!
when each little piece had been put together...there was such profound sense of happiness in me.
I didn't know i could fix things!
usually things are either too big or too complicated to just glue back into place.

so, thankyou Somdev, for smashing the stupid thing!
:)

sqiggle

this funny thing happens every time i open my blog: sqiggle, my blue porcupine (right there, see?), scurries over to the left of his little box, and buries his snout there...refusing to emerge!!
i mean, it's no fun to have a pet who only stays on your screen for a few seconds, before running to hide!!
(go to 'bunnyhero labs' to get your own funny-looking-pet-you-won't-see-much-of!)

change...

change is a BAD thing.

when people say 'change is good', they're lying!
it's just their way of trying to make you feel better about sucky things...

and suddenly, i'm wide awake...fiercely vigilant.
i see everything, hear everything...the slightest touch, noise, movement, sends my senses into a frenzy...
i need to take a break...


NEVER dring strong coffee before bed...it's BAD for you.

first rain of the season

it rained yesterday.

*yayness*!
when we walked into Indthalia for coffee, i was hoping for rain...wishing for it,really truly wishing with all my wishiness.
and it rained.
when we stepped out, it was drizzling.
and suddenly everyone was hurrying, masses of people, like sheep...all scurrying for cover. like the rain would ruin their precious fluffy wool!
and i walked slooowly, getting the hurrying-scurrying people behind me soggy and irritated!
life's good! :)

Dusk

I was in a rickshaw, on my way home yesterday, when the lights went out.

But as I sat there, the nervous rickshaw-puller carefully weaving his way though the narrow by-lanes… I discovered a whole new array of sights and sounds that I otherwise wouldn’t have noticed!
The darkness had somehow transformed the familiar lanes and neighborhoods, suddenly, everything was quiet and still. Noisy people stopped talking abruptly, and even the stray dogs fell silent!
The sudden darkness had caught everyone off guard.

Fireflies! Who knew we had fireflies in the city!? And so many of them! But they’re there…these tiny, eerie glowing green lights in trees and bushes. I guess they’ve always been there…I just never noticed!

And I realized that you could pull weird faces in the dark, and nobody would notice!
So I did!
I smiled as widely as I could…at random people! And I pulled some rather bizarre faces…stuck out my tongue at absolute strangers! Then the headlights of a car flared up, and I stopped! But as soon as the headlights faded, I resumed grinning weirdly!

Once I got home, I ran up the stairs, rather noisily (the people I annoyed, would probably imagine I was some bratty ten-year-old!), and walked straight into our apartment, without stopping to acknowledge our rather unpleasant neighbor…I could just pretend I didn’t see him in the dark!


Darkness is liberating!

afternoon

My world is bathed in that strange, beautiful afternoon sunlight.
Nostalgia.
Suddenly, I feel more helpless than I ever have…
I have to sit down and catch my breath.

My world is slipping…falling away.
Once again…I stand alone.
Reach out in the darkness. Searching.

My world is fading away fast…into twilight.
I’m losing Me.
Suddenly, it’s more than I can take…
I sink onto my knees, close my eyes.

It’s all gone now…

'yesterday once more...'

I miss school…I mean, I’m not saying this isn’t freakishiously amazing…college, I mean. It’s great, but I still miss everything about school.

It was familiar, for one thing! Fourteen years of security within those walls, my school- my sanctuary, always!
Well, it hadn’t always been great; I’ve had my share of horrid days, but you forget some…and by the time it’s over, all you remember is how wonderful it all was compared to the confusion that came after.
But we’ve sorted that out, haven’t we? And now the ‘settling down’ has begun…and yes, I’m feeling better.

rain

It rained today.

I can’t even begin to describe the rain…I can tell you that I love it, that it’s beautiful, but that’d just never be enough!
But it always makes me feel better, even the buckets-of-water-pouring-down-am-soaked-to-the-bone kind of rain!
It soothes, it cleanses…
Time doesn’t stop, when it starts raining, but it stops being important…

Like steaming coffee on a cold day, or a hug when you need it…rain, always makes me feel better.
It’s reassuring…

remember...

'remember where we are now
open your eyes,
take it all in,
remember where we are now,
this is where your life begins...' ('remember' by Allister)

that's playing on the CD-player right now...and yeah, it fits!
i'm ready to do this...this fresh-start thing is waaaay exciting...
sooo ready to take life by it's bunny-ears!

this is what i wanted...this is how it's s'posed to be...
why are my palms all sweaty?!!

depressed ramblings

i'm waiting for something interesting to happen...i mean, really, boredom needs a break sometimes!

it's one of those depressing cloudy days...
i wonder if nature does this stuff on purpose to bug people! no, i guess she does have better stuff to do...
someone bring out the board games, and order pizza...pleeeaaase!

i should be writing poetry, cloudy, depressing days bring out the poet in me...and i write depressing poetry, which depresses other people, which in turn depresses me some more...
ain't i just such a bundle of joy?!

even my cat hates me!

this is stupid...

it's 11:55, on wednesday night, and i'm here...typing stuff!
this is downright stupid!

i started keeping a journal when i was thirteen...and this is exactly what it felt like, initially...stupid! it's been five years, and i haven't ever stopped writing, so u know!

if you're reading this...i'm sorry, it's really late, and a better part of my brain has signed out for the night!
i'll post some better stuff soon, i promise...
till then,
yaaaaaaaaaaaawn...g'night!
cyber-monkey